This is weird. I’m wondering how I learn to like myself. You see, I used to think I was a loser because I drank and I drank because I was a loser. Now I don’t drink. Ergo, I am no longer a loser? Well, I hope not.
At a recent meeting one guy mentioned how everything is going so well he actually feels guilty. He can’t enjoy his life 100% because he doesn’t feel he deserves it. Bummer.
I guess all addicts are plagued by trash barges full of guilt. I’ve always lived alone. So while I’ve done my share of damage, I’ve avoided the worst of it. I never got divorced. I never had children. I’ve never been in a relationship long enough to do any real harm. I’m not a violent person, I didn’t fight or lash out at anyone. I got arrested once in 1999 for DUI but didn’t drink and drive after that. I never really had too. I’d choose living arrangements that put me in walking distance of a bar. I was a crafty drunk.
The real victim of my drinking was me. I guess that’s one upside to being a loner. Perhaps I knew all along I was caustic so I avoided dragging anyone into my private hell. I’d like to believe that. It makes me sound virtuous on some level, like a martyr. Unfortunately, it’s not true. I was just too selfish to share my life with anyone accept Inebriation. She was my only true love.
So now that I’ve said goodbye to Inebriation (yeah, she still calls but it’s getting easier to avoid picking up the phone), I need to figure out who I am. I need to make some new friends. The first is me.
Me meet myself. Myself meet me. Let this be the start of a beautiful relationship.