I’ve only been sober for nine days but I’m already asking, “Now what?” I’m unemployed. I need money but I don’t want another “job.” What I mean by that, is I don’t want to slave away my time just to earn a paycheck. I want to make money doing something I like or at least find marginally fulfilling. I don’t think I’ve ever had a job I enjoyed. Maybe that’s why I drank. OK, no, let’s be honest, I drank because I could. But having a shitty gig didn’t help.
I want to start anew, be my own boss, do my own thing, be happy. I just wish I knew where to begin. But I’m paralyzed by a lack of direction. I’ve never been good at taming the maelstrom of my imagination. I’m creative but unfocused. I have a million ideas a day but not one plan. Which is odd, because I’m an engineer by education and profession. Unfortunately, I never really fit the engineering mold. Then I went into sales. I hated that even more. Now I’m in Limbo. I feel like the mayor of Whoville crying out for someone to listen. Horton are you out there?
Is there a job for hunting down old music on YouTube? That would be awesome. Yesterday, my buddy sent me a text message about “Take the Skinheads Bowling” from Kamper Van Beethoven. And that got me thinking about another song by them. (Look out, I’m going to try to post a video. Please forgive me if I screw this up.)
It was so cool to hear this song again. Did I remembered this song because all the sleepy little neurons that I lulled to bed with alcohol are starting to wake up? Or is it because this song is a metaphor for my addiction?
Either way, something is firing off in my melon. Hopefully the nice, unicorny, good memories are waking up. I’m tired of the bad ones. They’ve always plagued me. Come on, happy thoughts! Think of a way for me to make a happy living!