Boom! That’s the sound of me hitting bottom. I have no job. My apartment is a stye. I drink constantly. My ambition chased my bourbon soaked fluids down the toilet. The cable company shut off my cable due to lack of payment. My credit cards are at their limits (near $10,000 each) and I’m raiding my retirement accounts to stay off the streets. I’m estranged from my family, not because of them, but because of me. I’m at the bottom of a well and I can’t get out.

So today I took a walk. My initial purpose was to find the local AA headquarters and see if they could help. They were closed because of Veteran’s Day. Which is kind of ironic since veteran’s tend to suffer extremely high rates of alcoholism and addiction. I can understand why. I’m fucked up without having witnessed any of the horrors of war. I can’t imagine what it would be like had I seen such carnage.

Since AA was closed I continued to walk. I hiked about 6 miles. I’d like to tell you that I had a cathartic moment while I ventured. I didn’t. There was no moment of clarity. No lucid awakening. Just a long sigh of desperation. I wished AA was open today because I wonder if I’ll have the strength to go back tomorrow. I’m an alcoholic and I need help. But, by God, it’s hard to admit those things.

I’m worried about how to live my life if I give up the drink. So much of my social interaction takes place around booze. When my friends and I go out, it’s assumed we’re going out to drink. Family functions, social functions, fun times in general, all revolve around liquor. At least they do for me. Now I’m trying to give it up. I feel like I’m castrating myself. What will I do without drink? How will I have any fun? Will my friends abandon me? Will the deep dark depression I’ve been running from, but never quite outrunning, only get worse? After all, a good drunk is my only escape from it. How will I survive?

Then again, do I want to survive. Every morning I wake up and wonder if this will be the day I cash out. I don’t want to get sober in order to save my life. I want to get sober in order to find a reason to live.