Not much new to report. I’m in a holding pattern. I’m waiting to hear back from the company that conducted the phone interview. I’m waiting to hear about the engineering position I applied for at my current place of employ. I’m waiting to hear from the human resources department that supposedly has my resume and will be contacting me. In other words, I’m waiting. But I’m waiting for good things. That’s a new state of mind for me. Now I just need to be patient. That’s also a new state of mind for me. Patience, humility, positive thinking – these are all things I need to learn. Maybe this old dog can learn some new tricks.
Look at this! Two days in a row. I haven’t done this in a while. I admit, I’ve been lazy, preoccupied, busy, take your pick. I signed up to work this weekend but, luckily, they didn’t have enough to do. I need the money but I really need the rest more. Besides, hope keep telling me better things are the horizon. Sometimes she’s even right. So I’m throwing some positive vibes out to the universe. Come on universe, show me some love. I could use a little tenderness.
I’ve been taking some long hiatuses (is that the correct plural for hiatus?) between posts but I’ll try to correct that. I’m working swing shift now so I can hit the library during the day. I don’t have internet access where I live so the library is my internet lifeline.
It’s been 306 days since my last drink. I’ve had my taste of good and bad over those 306 days. The bad – unemployment, crushing debt, depression, loneliness, and (worst of all) the death of my dog. But it hasn’t been all bad. The good – I’ve stayed sober, I moved to a cool place in the country (thus the lack of internet access), I got accepted to grad school, I found a job (albeit a shitty one but, hey, money is money), and I’ve witnessed the divine in the generosity of my friends and family.
I’ve also learned some hard lessons. A year ago I was an arrogant drunk. My resume lists job titles like Vice President, Executive Director, and Regional Manager. I wasn’t just an ordinary schmuck. I was an executive dammit! And yeah, I was pretty fucking full of myself. Now, I’m a laborer pushing parts around a manufacturing floor. People who would have been my minions 2 years ago are now my bosses. I’m not trying to sound pretentious, and I apologize if I do, I’m just trying to relate my fall from grace. But you know what, I don’t regret this storm-ridden journey. I needed a good serving of humble pie in empathy sauce. I’d like to say that I’m a better person because of it but I’m probably not. At least I’m learning. That’s a start. Maybe, somehow, this whole crazy experience will forge me into a worthy man. I don’t know if it’s possible but hope keeps telling me it is. (She’s still hanging around. I can’t seem to get rid of her.)
Who knows? Maybe someday I’ll climb back into the Olympian tier of executive management but if I do, I hope I’ve learned from this experience. I hope I’ll be a leader of compassion and fairness, not a typical, self absorbed douche bag. I’ve already played that role and I wasn’t very good at it. Or maybe I’ll never climb those heights again and I’ll live a humble life. I’m OK with that too. In fact, I’d prefer it.
Here’s to a humble life. May we be so fortunate to have one.
Oops. I missed day 300. Oh well, the only real milestone is today … every day.
I’ve been working and working and working. Yet I can barely keep my head near water level. But there’s some good news. First, I changed to swing shift. It’s much more laid back and I get to sleep in. (I need my beauty sleep or my eyes get poofy. Poofy eyes just won’t do.) Changing to swing shift also allows me to do some job hunting during the day. Currently, I’m at the college library searching for jobs online (recap: earlier this year I got accepted into a Master’s program for Renewable Energy Engineering, yay!, unfortunately I can’t pay for it, boo). I’ve got a few leads. I had a phone interview on Monday. Hopefully it will lead to an in-person interview that will, again hopefully, lead to a job. Another opportunity sprang up at the place where I’m currently slaving. They opened a job req for a manufacturing engineer. It’s not totally in sync with my background but I threw my hat in the ring anyway. The upside is that one of the current manufacturing engineers went to bat for me. So yeah, stuff is happening. But even if none of it pans out, I still have an open invite from my buddy to move in with him. At last, a safety net.
All in all, things are OK. I’m feeling better about myself and my future. I don’t think much about drinking anymore except, ironically enough, when I write this blog. But even then I don’t have cravings. This blog reminds me that demons still lurk in the shadows. I need that reminder. Complacency can lead to a relapse and I’d rather stay unlapsed thank you very much.
I’m closing in on 300. Woot! The other night I dreamt that I was drunk in a bar. Scary. I’ve been having more dreams about the sauce and I’m not sure why. I thought I’d be past that by now. Apparently, the demons aren’t having much luck with me awake so they’re coming after me in my sleep. Well demons, bring it on! I’m not afraid of you anymore. I’ve been through too much shit to give up now.
In other news, I still haven’t heard from the potential job but it’s only been a week. These things take time. My current job is getting better because they’re moving me to swing shift. It’s still the same shitty job but I won’t have to deal with the same shitty management. They’re out the door when the bell rings. It’s a small concession but I’ll take it.
Alas, when we last left our intrepid adventurer (that’s me) he was planning a move from Oregon to New Hampshire. But like all things in life, a new wrinkle twisted into the plot.
I was ready to leave. On Friday I slacked off at work and was more petulant than usual (if that’s possible). I had every intent to end my employment that day. Then in the afternoon I got a text from a local acquaintance, “Talked to my friend. HR has your resume. They’ll contact you.”
Back up a few weeks. This acquaintance knows I really, really want to work with alternative energy. So he says, “I have a buddy who sets up wind farms. His company is looking for an engineer.” Yahtzee! I give him my resume to give to his friend and then … nothing. Last week I sent him a text and asked if he’d heard anything from his friend. He said he’d contact him. I never heard back after that. I wrote the whole thing off. I figured it was a long shot anyway – you know, a friend of a friend knows this guy type of thing. Until I got the text Friday afternoon.
Now I don’t want to leave town because I want this job. I need this job. But in the meantime, I have to keep my head above water. That means I have to continue my work as a human oxcart. Ugh. I toy with the though of leaving and getting another shit job, perhaps one less shittier than the current experience. But we’ll see how this week plays out. Wish me luck.
My buddy invited me to live with him free of rent. It means quitting my job (which I hate) and moving. I’m not crazy about the move but I could use his company and support. I’m going to do it. I’m tired of trying to handle this on my own. I’m beyond being too proud to accept help. I need help. It’s time to get it. I’ve know this friend since I was 7 and he’s like a brother. He’s the first one I told when I quit the sauce. Best of all, we’ve roomed together before so we know we won’t be at each other’s throats. And he has a dog. I miss my dog.
As for leaving, I like where I’m living but the landlady is a pill. I’ll have to break my lease which will send her into a conniption fit but this move might just save my life. Literally. I’ve been in the deep blues and every day I think about the dark and final solution. It’s a horrible thought (suicide, that is, in case I’m being too cryptic) but I can’t keep it at bay. Sorry landlady but my life is more important than a few bucks in your greedy pocket.
So goodbye job. Goodbye obnoxious landlady. It’s time to reboot.